久々だよな！ Hello beautiful internauts. Sometimes it is tough to start writing when you have so many things you want to say, I am certainly having a hard time myself. I guess I'll give you a bit of context.
「One hungered for absolutes which could never be. Hungering, one lost the present.」
Since last year, I was dead set on getting a gamedev job, so I put all my efforts into achieving that. I attended some courses and made games, but the market for gamedevs is so bleak (at least in Argentina) that the goal felt farther and farther away. I felt stagnated, thinking of all my shortcomings I needed to overcome, both in gamedev and all the aspects of my life. That made me feel really bad, like giving up on your dreams sorta thing. As a last ditch effort, I made myself an account in UpWork to see if I could land at least a freelance gig and... I got one. Hope returned. Excited, I started to apply to more jobs until I got another one. Jackpot.
Suffice to say, I got the job of my dreams. One that also allows me to pay for a college career I actually enjoy and live somewhat comfortably. My family and friends are good, even managed to get a girl to love that loves me back. I suddenly felt exhilarated, excited, invigorated, however...
Now what? *sweat*
The feeling of doing more, achieving more, earning more still haunts me to this day, it invades me constantly. Is it going to be like this my whole life? Chasing, chasing and more chasing while feeling a fleeting sense of accomplishment that suddenly evaporates because of the feeling I am wasting my time not chasing the next thing? Fuck no. I will not live a constant rat race to the bottom where I throw my life away chasing some imaginary standard I set upon myself. That would hurt people around me. And that's the thing as well, never before have I considered other people's feelings into my decisions. That realization paired with flashing memories of all the times I've wronged others becomes so very painfully overwhelming sometimes that I cringe myself to death.
「I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.」
Anyways. It seems that my old approach to *everything* just doesn't cut it anymore. Trying to be something I am not, not being true to myself results in endless contradictions and dilemmas that make everything worse. And I try to distract myself wanting to achieve the next thing. Achieve what? What for? What's the point?
It is time for me to stop focusing so much on the next thing, to stop wanting to achieve so much. I want to enjoy the fruits of all my hard work. Even if I wanted to (which I don't) at this point I simply cannot choose a new goal and I am bored to death without any sort of intellectual stimuli. I inevitably find myself at the whim of fate, cruising the flow of time to see where it takes me. Enjoying what I do is what took me so far, and now an illusion is making me betray the place I came from.
I became obsessed with perfection, I buried my creativity several meters below dirt. I don't blame myself though, this is just something I had to live.
「You live and learn. At any rate, you live.」
But I'll be damned if I keep living this way.
On another note, here are some shows/anime/books/games I've recently finished watching/reading/playing. Great stuff I tell you.
- Dune: Incredible epic story on building an empire.
- Dune: Messiah: Incredible story on how to maintain an empire.
- Twin Peaks S1 & S2 (you bet!): Em htiw klaw erif.
- Pluto: similar to NieR:Automata, Blade Runner and Ergo Proxy it is about robots (?) having an existential crysis.
- The Final Empire: This books has one of the best power systems I've ever seen on fiction, the characters are awesome too.
- Silent Hill 2 (REMAKE): Psychological horror is the best horror.
- The Eternaut: stalker/metro set in Argentina 🇦🇷 ★ ★ ★
I also wanted to make some room to say something else... Thanks for the 140k total views on neocities! Ever since I changed the domain I've been getting around ~120 unique visitors per day (there might be scraping bots) so I think I am closer to hit 175k all things considered. In any case, I never thought my humble site would reach so many people. My teenage self posting from his bedroom wouldn't have believed it lmao.
Thank you for reading my posts all these years :)
no matter where you go, everyone's connected.